Sunday, January 16, 2011

I'm Trying!!!

     I'm kind of lost right now. I keep going in circles because I haven't really discovered which way is out. I can't figure out whether or not I really have choices anymore. Lately, I have been really worried about the far future (what else means the opposite of "near future"?). I think, or at least I hope, that I am just at that age where I can really decide who I am. I used to KNOW that I loved to learn and be the super nerd and get 90's all the time, but now I'm not really sure. It's exam time, and I have been spending hours studying, but is that really what I want? I could be working so I could afford to send money for kids starving in Africa or I could be writing music or I could be hanging out with my friends. I finally have choices, and I don't know what to do. I finally have the chance to make a difference, and I have the choice to choose not too. It's so hard! Like, I have been saying forever I want to volunteer at the hospital and play piano at seniors homes but did I take the initiative? No, I decided to play volleyball and basketball. But those things keep me healthy and skinney and socialized. See? It's like a circle. Or, I could do everything and stress out and fall in a rut and get depressed and drop everything to climb back out. And then start my life over. I don't know. I just don't know anymore.
     I'm taking this music course called Harmony. It's like intense musical study, and it's so hard and dull. Now, I have never had work that is hard for me. Like, I've had trouble, but nothing like this. I don't get it? It's so frusterating. It's pulling my whole mood down. That and the fact that it's January and I am pretty sure I have a touch of SAD (seasonal affective disorder). Now, I have always complained about school being to easy, but this is like the extreme other side. Anyway, I better sign off and get back to studying. I will post some happyier posts when exams are done. Night.

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